Saturday, 17 November 2012

Supermarket's Weep (with joy)

One of the many things I love about America is her supermarkets. The sheer choice, the absolutely bonkers products and the inventions that sadly never made it to the UK's shores never fails to leave my eyes agog and my mind submerged in wonder. I'm sure the produce on offer in New England varies to that of the South, Mid-West and West Coast.

Here are just a few of the items I found in the north east's aisles:

The original saucy minx, Mrs Butterworth. Don't be fooled by her prim stance; Joy Butterworth loves doing the twist and simply relishes in gushing out her warm, sweet syrup all over the hottest piece of bacon and sausage that lands in front of her. Slag.

Doggy Pick 'n' Mix! Treat Street for your puggly mutt.

Excellent start, but this needs to be pushed further. Where are the LOTR Cheerios? Light-sabre-shaped turnips, leeks and carrots? A Game of Thrones turkey crown? A lettuce head modified to resemble a DeLorean time machine? Pull your finger out food developers, and save geeks the world over from the terror of rickets.

SNAZZMATAZZ! I never know whether it's duct tape or duck tape but I know I want animal print heavy duty tape in my life. It's the simple things. 

This is a rifle, there are many like it but this one could be yours. Who wouldn't want a pink gun called Daisy?Someone who doesn't take pride, that's who. Put it in your trolley, fool. 

Just in case you forget the basic rules of living.


I can't help but think Frieda would have been better placed to sell depilatory cream with all that lush face foliage going on.

Alright BABEZ, fancy a nyt out 2nyt? Juz uz girlz, bcoz who needz a man tho init? OMG LOLOLOL. Get ur bodycon out n ur heelz on cuz we r gna HIT THE TAAAAAN. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox l8rzzz

A scene as old as time.

WHY DON'T THEY SELL THESE IN ENGLAND? So many times I've had to make do with salted popcorn while our American cousins gorge wantonly on Buffalo Wing and Ranch flavoured popcorn across the Atlantic. This injustice must end.

Give your kid a Handi Snack and see if they develop a taste for Mr Salty. 

It's not a party unless you've got cheese in a can.

Seriously, what was the thought behind naming these sweet and salty snacks? They look like they should come with an R rating and a packet of K-Y.

The WINNER: Discounted ammo with every pack of beef jerky. God bless America.

1 comment:

  1. APOSTROPHE CRIME ALERT!!! There is NO apostrophe in "Supermarkets weep with joy". Punishment will ensue.